Epic Fail: Camping
by FrauleinTofu
Summary: Prompt from kink meme. Jim, Spock, and Bones are camping. They're on the failboat side of the spectrum. That doesn't mean they can't have sexy times though. K/S/Mc


"This has to be one of the dumbest ideas you have ever had."

"I must concur with the doctor. We are currently…nowhere identifiable."

James T. Kirk rolled his eyes as he listened to his two companions. Doctor Leonard McCoy stood with his arms crossed looking as unimpressed as ever while Spock had his hands clasped behind his back and regarding Kirk with an arched eyebrow. The three of them were standing in the middle of a grassy field in the middle of nowhere.

While some would have found the notion of standing in a grassy field with a light breeze swaying the blades of green peaceful or romantic, the three Starfleet officers on shore leave found it to be the single most annoying situation to be in. Unlike the movies or books, this grass was not soft and cool to the touch. The grass they were standing in was waist high, so thick they could not see where they were stepping, and it felt dry and itchy. And that was not including the thistles that refused to be removed from their clothing.

"Come on guys! So we've had a few hiccups along the way. This is an adventure!" Kirk enthusiastically proclaimed. "It's just like those old stories you read about explorers."

"If I may point out, Jim, those explorers you speak of were well-versed in outdoor survival. Their success was only logical." Spock countered. "We, however, do not possess the same set of skills and therefore should have chosen a different means of camping."

"Long story short; we should have just done what everybody else does when camping instead of running off and 'forging our own path to glory.'" growled McCoy. "It's camping, not finding lost treasure!"

The doctor waved his arms dramatically for emphasis. Snorting at his outburst, Kirk simply spun on his heel and began walking forward. He had no idea where he was heading, but that did not matter. Point was, he was moving forward towards a brilliant new adventure.

"Omigosh, OW! Sonuvabitch!"

Spock and McCoy calmly watched as Jim suddenly disappeared under the grass and rolled down an incline. He had slipped when some sheets of shale broke loose causing him to slide and roll into the bottom of the shallow ravine. When he came to a stop, Kirk ruefully rubbed his backside and slowly stood up.

"Are you unharmed, Jim?" Spock called down to him with a detached tone.

"Yeah, thanks for caring." he grumbled.

The doctor and first officer began to carefully maneuver towards him. With far more grace and dignity, McCoy and Spock joined Kirk at the bottom. Looking around, Spock assessed their current location. The ravine in which they were currently occupying was devoid of plant life and was carved into the shale. Pieces slid off the softer rock and formed a sea of fragments at the bottom. Currently, one of these pieces was digging painfully into Kirk's backside.

Not completely devoid of pity, McCoy helped him up while Spock continued to look around. As far as the eye could see, the ravine split the field into separate halves. It was an odd location. In the not too far distance, Spock could make out a tree line of a forest. The landscape was an odd progression. They had first begun in a barren desert filled with brown and pale green shrubbery, and learned first hand that most of them possessed thorns and even claws that cut through their protective clothing and latched on for good. Then, the dry, dusty ground was slowly overcome by higher rising vegetation that proved near impossible to pass. More than once did they have to stop and extricate themselves from some sort of clingy foliage. Even Spock, usually graceful and sure of himself, was artfully avoiding another plant with sharp little claws only to back into a cactus.

The two humans thought it was hilarious, especially when the Vulcan had to painfully pull out the long needles from his rear side. When he pulled the last needle out, he examined it closely. The tip of the cactus needle formed a small hook. Spock hated cacti. He may be from a desert planet, but there was nothing so illogically painful as a tiny succulent with needles.

After finally passing through the chaparral forest, as Spock learned it was called from their survival book that did nothing except point out that pointy plants should be avoided, the three travelers noticed the ground become gradually more covered by low rising grass. Eventually, it turned into a waist high sea of dry itchiness.

"Hey, you coming?"

Spock looked up to see that both Kirk and McCoyhad scaled the incline and were now looking down at him. Shaking his head at the folly of humans, Spock was about to climb up when he saw a small insect land on his arm. He recognized it as belonging to the family Halictidae and commonly referred to as a sweat bee. Though he read that they were attracted to human perspiration, he was curious and slightly paranoid as to why it was persistent in staying on his arm.

"Spock. Don't move. It'll fly away on its own." Kirk yelled down.

Remaining still, Spock saw the bee twitch and assumed it was going to fly away. He was wrong. He was so very wrong. Almost in slow motion, he watched the bee plunge its stinger into his arm, through his long sleeved shirt. No sound escaped him as he continued to watch the bee pull up and then fly away. He would never admit it aloud but, it hurt, a lot.

"Your advice appears to be lacking, Captain." he ground out.

Kirk flinched at the use of his formal title. He would have a lot of work to make it up to his first officer. McCoy on the other hand found it hysterical and in between his peals of laughter, he offered his medical advice.

"Don't touch it. Get up here and let me look at it…HAHAHA!"

Schooling his expression into one of neutrality, Spock tolerated his pain and slowly worked his way to the other side. When he finally joined the other two, McCoy carefully examined his arm. He slowly rolled up the sleeve and began gently prodding the slowly swelling area.

"Good. Looks like it didn't leave a stinger behind. Hm, but what to do with that swelling…" As McCoy pondered what he would do to draw out some of the poison, he glared pointedly at Kirk who held his hands up defensively.

A few days prior, they were further north in the mountains and pine forests relaxing and enjoying the view of a large, placid lake. It turned out, a herd of elk were currently occupying the water. They minded their own business. That was, until Kirk thought it would be neat to see how close he could get to petting one. Unfortunately, the one closest to him was a skittish little thing and when it sensed the human approaching, it bolted. This caused a chain reaction resulting in all three running for the higher grounds while McCoy's bag of supplies was trampled and tossed until there was nothing worth keeping. So now, he had nothing.

"It is alright, Leonard. I shall be fine." Spock said primly.

Looking like he wanted to argue but then realizing the futility behind it, McCoy grumbled to himself and followed right behind.

"I don't know why you guys are making such a big deal out of this. It wouldn't be so much fun if the unexpected didn't happen, ri-OW! Frickity OW!"

Spock and McCoy watched as irony played out. Kirk had tripped over a low-lying cactus obscured by the grass only to fall into another nearby cactus. Thankfully, these cacti did not possess horrific needles that practically shot out at anything that got close enough. Instead, they were covered in a thick blanket of short, thick needles. A part of McCoy did not want to care, but eventually, the doctor in him won out.

"You okay, Jim?" he asked semi-concerned.

"Yeah, if you call getting impaled by a stupid cactus okay!" yelled Kirk indignantly.

Both rolling their eyes in their own way, Spock and McCoy pulled Kirk to his feet and began marching him forward. Thankfully, their trip forward did not present any more obstacles and they even began to relax. They talked about what had happened so far and mused as to what they would see next.

At some point, McCoy and Spock even forgave Kirk for dragging them out into the middle of nowhere to camp. He had insisted they do it in the most traditional way. That meant there were no amenities except those they created themselves. Spock found the concept absolutely distasteful and could not imagine how he would survive the two week shore leave without cleaning regularly at a facility. Turned out, Kirk, and even McCoy who was reluctant to go, convinced Spock he needed to experience camping on Earth to fully appreciate human customs. He was thus far unimpressed. However, he did admit to finding the scenery appealing and unique. When the two humans had first suggested camping, Spock envisioned thick forests, flowing rivers, and everything else he had seen in movies, pictures and books. This was different from all of that. The predominately desert landscape with the occasional lush patches of greenery and water, reminded him of Vulcan.

It was then that a sharp pang shot to his heart. His two companions noticed the subtle shudder and the suddenly solemn expression. McCoy's brows furrowed in concern.

"Spock, are you alright? What's wrong? Is it the bee sting?"

"No, it is only causing minimal discomfort…" Spock drifted off uncertainly.

Kirk fell into step with the Vulcan and smiled reassuringly. Appreciating the gestures from both of them, Spock slowly continued.

"I was merely appraising the current landscape and how it reminds me of Vulcan."

Even though several years had passed since Nero destroyed the planet Vulcan, it was still an understandably sensitive topic for Spock. Not only did he lose the only home he knew, he had lost his mother. Kirk wondered if Spock's mother had ever camped or took him camping. It was not fair.

"Did Vulcan have pointy plants of doom?" he asked genuinely curious. It was good to talk about it and force the emotionally repressed Vulcan to accept what had happened. Just as he hoped, Spock's eyebrow quirked upward and a faint twitch began at the corner of his mouth.

"No, Jim. Vulcan did not have 'pointy plants of doom.' The vegetation was much more sparse and the planet itself much less diverse." Spock began musing aloud. "However, I find the dry weather to be most pleasant and similar to Vulcan's."

"I'll take higher humidity and lower temperatures of these blazing temperatures. Does it even rain here?" McCoy complained good-naturedly. Speaking freely about Vulcan and memories was ironically the doctor's suggestion even though he never had too many pleasant memories too share about his ex-wife. However, he loved his daughter and she made everything worth it and then some.

"Average rainfall is approximately seven point eleven inches a year. A considerable difference between Georgia's forty-eight point six one inches a year." Spock recited the numbers he had read in all the travel books.

"Damn straight it's a difference. And good ole' Georgia also doesn't have rampaging deer and midnight donkeys!"

"They were elk and the 'midnight donkeys' were actually wild burros." corrected Spock.

"I don't care. Point is those damn elk destroyed my stuff and the stupid burros stole my food in the middle of the night!" McCoy continued ranting on much to Kirk and Spock's amusement.

Kirk watched his two companions and could not help but smile. They had all come a long way since the day they first became the crew of the _Enterprise_. Now, the three of them were inseparable. That was an amazing feat considering how often Spock and McCoy used to go after each other. Their barbs towards each other always resulted in tension, but after spending years watching each other's back and sharing in their mutual concern over Kirk's well being, finally resulted in a tight friendship. That was not to say the two of them never fought. On the contrary, they made an even greater show if it now. The only difference was the underlying peace and good nature.

"Finally! Something that doesn't look like it's going to kill us." Kirk happily pointed to the beginning of an evergreen forest.

It took them less time to reach it than Spock originally calculated. Then again, not failing in just walking in the wilderness made progress much smoother.

They traveled a further into the forest until they came into a small clearing. A dirt patch was about all they had to work with, but at least it was someplace free of vegetation. Kirk and Spock dropped their packs and immediately began digging an indentation in the middle of the ground. While Spock continued to shape the shallow hole, Kirk began placing large stones in a circle around it. Meanwhile, McCoy rummaged through Kirk's backpack and pulled out his canteen of water.

Dumping some of it on the dirt, McCoy took a stick and began stirring it around until he had a thick paste of mud.

"Hey, Spock, come here a minute."

The Vulcan obeyed and when he approached McCoy scooped a handful of the mud and slapped it on the bee sting. Spock was shocked and dismayed at the sudden presence of filth slathered on his arm. Kirk started laughing at the dismayed expression Spock could not hide. McCoy just rolled his eyes.

"Leave that one until it dries all the way. I read in one of those survival books that it's a natural way of drawing out the poison." he informed them proudly.

Spock still looked scandalized as he slowly walked around and gathered dry twigs for the fire. That was another thing both McCoy and Spock could not understand about Kirk. He insisted that the only thing they were allowed to use was flint and steel.

Spock watched in muted interest as Kirk arranged the bundle of sticks into a neat little pile and then began to strike the flint and steel together. Sparks continued to fly but the tinder would not take to it. After spending about five minutes trying and failing, McCoy just rolled his eyes and now rummaged around in Spock's backpack. It was much more organized than Kirk's and he was easily able to find the matches. He figured Spock was too cautious to not bring some things.

"Here, let me. Watching you is embarrassing."

McCoy stood up and kneeled next to the make-shift fire pit. He struck a match and held it under the tiny bundle of branches. A triumphant grin graced his features when one of the twigs began to smoke and then burn. Shaking out the match, the doctor tossed it into the fire and began to blow gently on the cinder. Instead of fanning it into a flame, the smoke disappeared and the wood remained just as it did before.

Now it was Kirk's turn to start laughing. Even Spock was amused by it.

"Shut up. Neither of you say anything." he growled menacingly.

They went through a few more matches before Spock finally made a suggestion.

"Perhaps it would be best to ignite some dry leaves first?"

Wondering why he did not say something sooner, Kirk and McCoy went to the edge of their camp and gathered as many dry leaves as they could manage to hold. By the time they squatted next to Spock, he had already arranged the twigs into a teepee formation. He grabbed the leaves from Kirk and McCoy and carefully slid them underneath his stick structure.

"A match please." requested Spock.

McCoy handed him the box. Striking another match, Spock held the small flame to the edge of a single leaf. Once that caught on fire, he quickly tossed it in with the others. Breathing as lightly as he could, his breath began to fan the flame until a dull glow became a small little fire.

"We have fire!" Kirk whooped happily.

"Indeed." Spock answered.

After making sure the fire would remain, they slowly added larger pieces of wood, always careful to not smother it. Then, they began to set up their tent. They had figured a large single tent would be the most logical one to use and much easier to put together and put away. Driving the stakes into the ground proved to be difficult as there was absolutely no give. It took a hammer backed by all of Spock's Vulcan strength to push the stakes half way in. When they finally managed to manipulate the multitude of sticks into something resembling arches and pushed them through the material, the three men finally succeeded in building a tent. They were all very proud and simply admired it a while. And when night fell and the temperatures dropped, they had shelter and a large fire to keep them warm and cook their food.

"Alright, let's make some stew!" Kirk said as he eagerly rubbed his hands together.

He pulled out a medium size cast iron pot from his bag and set it to the side. McCoy helped him pull out various vegetables, cans of chili beans, and seasoning. The final ingredient they pulled out was a slab of meat. Spock was disgusted by it and so concentrated on his own food.

As a vegetarian, Spock made sure to bring along instant soups and other easy to cook food items. He was not about to prevent Kirk and McCoy from partaking of the flesh they loved so much. Setting out a cast iron kettle, Spock filled it with some of the water he brought and set it in the fire to heat up.

"My god, it burns! It burns so damn much!!"

Spock was startled out of his task when he heard Kirk's loud wailing. Immediately concerned that the human somehow managed to fall into the fire or something, he was instantly relieved and amused by what he saw instead.

Kirk's eyes were watering and the rims of his nostrils were red. He flailed his arms about and tried to wipe his face on his sleeve.

"Jim, hold still dammit. What happened?" McCoy asked in his doctor tone.

"I was cutting those pepper things and then I rubbed my nose. Before I knew it, it started burning and it's going to my eyes and I can feel it burning on my lips and-"

"I get the picture. You just burned yourself on peppers. Good job."

The doctor wanted to do something to alleviate the pain, but all he could do was dump water on Kirk's hands and instruct him not to touch any part of his body for a little while. Spock had watched the entire exchange with a cocked eyebrow. He kept an eye on them as he poured the now boiling water into his bowl of powder. Idly stirring the contents, he soon had a steaming bowl of vegetable soup.

"Don't look so smug about it." Kirk whined defensively.

"I have no idea what you are referring to." Spock responded as innocently as he could.

McCoy snorted when he heard it but grinned nonetheless.

The two humans were finally able to get the ingredients in the pot with no more accidents and before long, they had a bubbling pot of the ugliest stew the world had ever laid eyes on. They were kind of glad that it was dark and they could not see it all that well.

"Okay, now the tortillas. Bones?" asked Kirk.

While McCoy grabbed the bag of tortillas, Kirk turned the lid of the pot upside down and placed it on the edge of the fire. Tossing him a couple of tortillas, Kirk place them on the surface. After sliding them around and flipping them for a little bit, he motioned for McCoy to bring him the plates. He quickly tossed one tortilla on each plate.

"Let's see how this goes…"

Kirk scooped some of the chunky goop from the pot and plopped it on top of his tortilla. McCoy followed suit and they both began the arduous task of folding it so that the venison chili stew did not spill all over the place and themselves. It was no simple task. Once again, Spock was glad that he was a vegetarian.

"Hey, this shit's not that bad!" Kirk happily declared as he took another large bite out of it.

"You're right. It just looks ugly as hell." McCoy further commented.

The three friends ate in relative silence simply enjoying the serenity of nature and the brightly shining stars.

"You know, it's great to see stars up close and all that in space but…seeing them like this puts it in a different perspective."

Spock and McCoy glanced over at Kirk who had settled onto his back. The food lay forgotten at his side as he continued to admire the stars.

"Yeah, they're a lot safer from down here." McCoy added his two cents before grinning smugly. "So once we clean up our mess, I've got a treat for you guys."

This caused Kirk to perk up instantly and prod the doctor for a hint. Spock, on the other hand, rinsed his bowl out and set it out to dry. He waited patiently for Kirk to try and clean off his plate and even McCoy's. The real difficulty came when he tried to clean the pot. From sitting on the flames for so long, the excess stew burned and caked onto the edges. Kirk tried to scrape it off, but the residue was stubborn.

"Maybe we should burn it out, Jim." Spock suggested. "Put some of the embers into the pot and close the lid. After sitting for a while, the heat should have burned the residual food to the point of easy removal."

Nodding his head, Kirk carefully scooped some of the ash and embers into the pot and closed the lid. He set it off to the side and then eagerly turned his attention onto McCoy.

"Okay, so what's our treat?"

McCoy thought Kirk reminded him of his old pet dog with the way he looked pleadingly up at him.

"No camping trip is complete without…" McCoy dragged it out and loved the way Kirk was squirming in anticipation. Of course, Spock was much more subdued, but his expression still betrayed his curiosity. "S'mores!"

Kirk immediately cheered.

"Holy shit, Bones, you're the best!"

"What is a s'more and why does it illicit such a strong emotional response from you, Jim?" Spock asked with genuine confusion. It was an odd sounding word and it clearly meant something positive.

"A s'more is only the best part of camping!" he supplied unhelpfully.

"It's a marshmallow and some chocolate sandwiched between two graham crackers." McCoy explained much more helpfully. "Ya roast the marshmallow in the fire then ya add the chocolate bar and smoosh it between the crackers. Here, I'll show ya."

He pulled out a thin metal stick and a bag of puffy white objects. Spock tilted his head curiously as he placed the apparently squishy object on the end of the stick. McCoy handed it to him and instructed him to hold it over the fire.

"When is this marshmallow cooked?"

"Whenever you want." McCoy jerked his thumb towards Kirk. "He burns them to a crisp. I prefer slightly gooey."

"I see."

Kirk and McCoy shared a glance knowing that the tone he spoke in meant he did not see anything at all. However, he placed his trust in his friends and held the marshmallow over the fire.

"Alright, break out the chocolate and grahams!"

McCoy rolled his eyes at how excited Kirk was. He tossed him a box of graham crackers while he broke off chunks of chocolate.

"I believe my marshmallow has achieved an optimal state. It is still firm yet...'gooey.'"

Spock lightly squeezed the marshmallow experimentally.

"Okay, give it here."

He handed his impaled marshmallow to McCoy who carefully pulled it off the stake and onto a plate. Spock watched intently as the marshmallow sat on top of a piece of chocolate and McCoy proceeded to put another graham cracker on top of it all. After pushing it together softly, he handed the plate back to Spock.

"There ya go. Enjoy your first s'more."

Spock stared at it a moment before looking questioningly up at McCoy again.

"What is the best procedure for consuming this?"

"Like this."

McCoy picked up his own s'more and took a huge bite out of it. The gooey marshmallow spilled outside the edges and covered his fingers in the substance. Once he finished chewing and swallowing, the doctor licked off the excess goo. He was about to see if Spock was following, but instead, the Vulcan was shaking his head.

"Vulcans do not eat with their hands."

"How about if somebody else held it for them?" Kirk suddenly piped in.

Though it was a logical question, Spock knew the captain and figured that somehow, it would lead to some sort of sexually promiscuous act. Well, nobody was around except them, so there really was no point in worrying about it. Besides, it would be rude of him to not eat one after the good doctor put so much effort into bringing the supplies along.

"It is an acceptable solution."

His answer caused both humans to break into shit eating grins. Forgetting about his own, Kirk grabbed Spock's s'more and held it up for him. Spock tried to take a bite out of it without causing too much of a mess, but even he with all his skill could not control the sticky treat.

Marshmallow clung to Kirk's fingers. Spock was distracted by that. But even more distracting was the taste of the chocolate. The smooth and lightly melted texture combined with the sweetness was fascinating. He suddenly had the urge to eat more. Forgetting his attempts at cleanliness, Spock leaned forward again and took a larger bite out of the desert. Kirk watched in fond amusement as Spock became increasingly more enamored with the s'more. He turned to look at McCoy but was surprised by the ecstatic grin plastered on his face. Before he could ask the doctor what was so great, Kirk had to suppress a small yelp when he felt something warm and moist clamp over one of his fingers.

Completely frozen in shock, Kirk watched as Spock began sucking and licking the excess marshmallow off his hand. His head whipped around to see McCoy laughing gleefully.

"So it's true. You can get a Vulcan drunk on chocolate!"

His eyes widened in disbelief. Turning his attention back to Spock, he now understood why the Vulcan was suddenly becoming affectionate. Not that he was complaining, it was just surprising to see his first officer and lover drunk and so forward. Once again he looked to McCoy for some sort of input but all he received as an answer was a giant bite out of his own s'more.

"I am not drunk, Leonard. I merely appreciate the fact that Jim was willing to get dirty so that I might enjoy this s'more."

It was clear that Spock was drunk, or at the very least, very close to being drunk. Kirk was beginning to be turned on. To distract himself, Kirk took a bite at his previously forgotten s'more. Once Spock finished licking his hand clean, he leaned even closer.

"Jim, you have some residual marshmallow on your face." Spock stated. "Allow me to clean it for you."

"Uh…"

Quicker than he thought possible, Spock was suddenly licking at the bit of marshmallow at the corner of his mouth. His tongue followed the sweet trail until he was more or less making out with Kirk. Sure the kiss was sloppy, but right now, Kirk was too entranced and horny to care. He made a small whimpering noise when Spock suddenly pulled away.

"I would be remiss in not showing my appreciation to you as well, Leonard."

Kirk glanced at McCoy out of the corner of his eye and saw the doctor with the s'more halfway in his mouth as he cocked an eyebrow at Spock. Kirk noticed the light flush on McCoy's cheeks and neck even in the low lighting.

"Well, I'd be more than happy to accept your appreciation…if _that_," McCoy pointed at Spock straddling Kirk. "Is how you show your apprecia-"

He could not continue because he was practically tackled. Spock was sprawled part way on top of him and kissing him with drunken abandon. The Vulcan could just not get enough of that chocolate. The marshmallows were merely an added pleasure.

Breaking off the kiss, Spock craned his neck and took a large bite of the s'more now forgotten in the doctor's hand.

Now Kirk knew why McCoy was so flushed. Watching his two lovers passionately making out would always be one of the hottest things Kirk had ever seen. He was positive people were missing out with just two people. Three was definitely where the party was at.

The way Spock bit into the s'more was increasingly less coordinated and increasingly sexy. He had never seen the Vulcan acting so freely and unrestrained. It was better than any movie and the addition of a delicious s'more was icing on the cake. Keeping his attention on Spock and McCoy feeling each other up and kissing, Kirk quickly finished up his s'more. He may or may not have intentionally made a bigger mess than usual before he scooted over to his two lovers.

"Hey Spock. Since you were so good at cleaning before, how about I let you-"

Spock was quite apt at interrupting people, not with words, but with action. He immediately began sucking on Kirk's fingers. Now that all three of them were together, the real fun could begin.

As the night progressed, there was more licking, sucking, kissing, and it was generally deliciously perverse. At some point, clothing began to come off and be thrown around despite the cooling temperatures and it took a great amount of effort and stumbling around to make it to the tent.

When the sun rose the next morning, McCoy gradually became aware of an annoyingly loud chirping right outside the tent and finally realizing he was sticky, and not just because of the marshmallows. He groggily rubbed the sleep from his eyes and tried to move, but he found his arm was pinned underneath a body. In an uncharacteristic position for Spock, the Vulcan was lying on his side with his back pressed up against the doctor's body. Next to him, Kirk was also on his side and facing him. One arm was draped over Spock's warm body. Still a bit tired and happily satisfied with the current situation, McCoy shifted his body a little bit so he too could snuggle up to Spock and fall back to sleep. With his arm also draped over Spock and resting on top of Kirk's arm, McCoy buried his nose in the crook between Spock's neck and shoulder and fell back to sleep.

* * *

**A/N:** All the bad things that happen to our loveable trio? All that crap happened to me during my camping excursions in the name of science. In retrospect, it's pretty damn funny. Anyways, the boys' trip is made better by s'more, tipsy Vulcans, and a threesome. K/S/Mc needs the love. Well, I hope you enjoyed this odd little piece. Happy readings.

Row, row, row your boat...  
~Tofu


End file.
